What is On Jeffs' Mind

On Wednesday, Feb 8, 2012 Bell in Canada supported a day called Let’s Talk. It was a day to bring awareness to Mental Health and Depression. Throughout the day I followed on Twitter a lot of inspiring tweets and blog posts of people sharing about their depression. I think what I took out of it, was that people suffering from this are not alone, and to find a person to talk to about it. In the spirit of the day, I sought out some people to talk to about my own battles with depression and to share with them theirs. I think by the end of the day, I had a very hopeful feeling. Like I said, I took time to read peoples posts on their depression, talk with others and also reflect on how I handle my own.

In the evening, I watched a great documentary on CTV/TSN hosted by Michael Lansberg. In the documentary he shared about his own struggles with depression, which I felt took a lot of courage to do so. There was one scene near the end of the documentary, that really resonated with me, not many words were spoken, but I could feel it, as I have felt it. Michael was talking with Mick Foley and Roddy Piper on his show, and at a break, he got up to take a break and walk away, just that little moment is one that I have had many times, and could sense what he felt at that time.

The documentary also really hit home with me as they talked to Stephane Richer former NHLer, Darryl Strawberry former MLBer and Clara Hughes a Gold Medal winning Olympic Athlete. It really did show to me, that people could look to have everything, but still depression is there, and they have struggles. They talked about an emptiness inside that cannot be filled, and I have felt that, they talked about being on top after winning and still cannot feel joy of the success, I felt that as well. It was a real powerful documentary, and meant a lot to me to see people struggling with the same things I do. I commend all those brave people for having the courage to be on the documentary and share with everyone else. I encourage people to watch this show, I think it is well worth it. It is called Darkness and Hope .

I have to admit, I am a bit nervous to write this post, as it is hard to admit to others my depression. I was talking with a friend during the day, there is still a stigma about depression, where a person is viewed of as weak, so why I was so inspired by the people who shared about theirs. To see people talking about it, and having the same feelings as I did, really did show me that this is a disease. This is something I have struggled with for years, it has flared to near intolerable levels 3 or 4 times in my life. Once in my teens where I actually did think of suicide, but a well timed call from a friend was able to draw me back. Another time in my first year of a new job, where it led to me breaking down in my managers office as the pressures of work overwhelmed me. Then the most recent time, which was a few years ago, where a difficult software upgrade at work pushed me to the brink, when it was done I went through months of post traumatic stress, and not really sure if I ever fully recovered from it.

But I think what is the most maddening for me, is that daily depression, the one that lays in the weeds, not enough to send you totally over board into despair, but enough that it holds you back from doing what you want in life. The type where by the time you get home from work, you don’t have energy or desire to really pursue what you want in life. The depression that always acts as a wall between myself and the life I want, causes me to doubt and second guess. Even this blog post took me a few days to write after the fact. But inspired by the brave people I saw on Bell Lets Talk day, I decided to write this. To beat this stigma of depression, I think more people like myself need to share and not be so afraid of what other might think. The day has shown me there are more people out there who go through depression and can help.

Tags: Bell Lets Talk Day, Darkness and Hope, Depression

On Monday I had the day off, due to extra hours I had worked over the past month or so.

I have to say, I usually feel uneasy about days off, as I tend to have all these ideas, and when it does not pan out, I get feeling down. I guess I don’t like the idea of wasting a day off, but then that is usually what happens.

The first thing I did, was started to clean out my office. I had this on my 2012 resolutions, and I think I made some good progress on it. There is still some more I need to do, but I think I did a good job of getting rid of the clutter. I have to say it was harder then I was expecting, especially when I got to a bunch of old computer games. It took a bit of me to toss them in the trash, but I did. I guess the tough part is that I have some memories of those games, and playing them, and it was tough to part with. But I am not going to go back and play them, and they were taking up space. I don’t believe that I am hoarder, but at times I do see some of the same tendencies in me, like the one that something has a use, or like I stated, I have memory attached to it. I also cleaned out a bunch of other items, as well, keeping in my mind, that I will not be using this again, and it needs to go. I really could not believe how many boxes I have kept around. As well I threw out some old books that I will not be reading again, and also a bunch of cables that are not of use. Again, had to say to myself I am not going to be needing these, but it was hard. My next step is to paint the office and put up some shelves. That will come down the road, as now that I got some of the clutter out of the room, I might be able to get a vision of what I want.

It was near the end of the month, and my registration on my cars were due, so I headed to the registry place. It was busy as I suspect a lot of other people were doing the same thing. I was finally able to get the cars registered, with a day to spare. Truthfully, I had pretty much forgotten this, so it is a good thing I remembered or I could have been inline for a ticket if caught driving with an over due registration. Like anything, the cost of the registration has gone up. I don’t really fault the government, as things cost what they cost, but I will blame myself and the place I work for, for not keeping my salary more current. After that I headed to get some gas and a car wash. Not sure why I washed the car, as it was warm out, and pretty much dirty by the time I got home. I stopped off and got some spicy chicken wings for lunch and headed home.

Another thing I needed to do, was get my gas bill figured out. I had not received a bill in quite sometime and I had the gas company calling me. I had called them a few times, and they never knew anything. I would ask who is providing my gas, and they would not be able to tell me. Finally I got to the bottom of the issue, and it turned out that they had been sending the bills to the wrong address. I got that corrected, and fortunately the bill was not to high. I am going back to a shared services contract next month, so glad I got the loose ends tied up.

After that I packed up my Wii, and listed it on a for sale site. My Wife and I no longer use it, and I decided we may as well sell it and get something out of it. I asked what I felt was a fair price, and looks like I might possibly already have a buyer. I could have probably parted it out and sold it for much more, but did not really want to have multiple listings, and might take some time to sell that way. My guess who ever is buying it might be doing that, as they might have the means to do that. Maybe I watch to much Storage Wars/ Pawn Stars, but I could see where someone could double their money at least by parting it out. So I am hoping that by the end of the day, I have the Wii moved.

My next order of business is to list my Mac Mini, I am in the process of cleaning it up and then I will reinstall the OS on it, and then list it as well for sale. My plan is to buy a new Mac Mini, and will no longer need this one, so if I can get a bit of money for it, it will help goes towards the new one. I also have a bunch of change I am going to take to the bank, and see what I can get out of it.

So onto Tuesday, and I have the day off, so I am hoping I can have another productive day.

Tags: Day Off, Resolutions 2012

I thought I would do a quick post on some of my 2012 resolutions.

Probably the one I was most excited about for the year, was recommitting myself to completing my vintage Star Wars loose figure collection. I said to myself that each month I would get one figure. Well today, my first vintage figure for 2012 arrived. A few weeks back I won an eBay auction for a vintage Emperor Palpatine, and today he arrived in the mail. It is probably not one of figures that was very high on my list, but none the less, he was on it. I got it for a pretty good price, and it came in a bag. Hard to tell if he was ever removed from the bag or not, as there was a piece of tape on it that looked really old. The paint looks good, and the joints are very stiff, so if he was loose before, he did not see much play. It is probably a figure that is not one of the harder ones to get, but to me, he represents the start of my goal for 2012 and until I complete my collection. Welcome to you new home Emperor.

Another resolution I had was to get more healthy and exercise more. My start has not been what I was hoping for. I started off the year being pretty good with riding my exercise bike. But after a few days, I was pushing myself to hard and ended up getting a rather painful rash, that led to a sore back. So for over a week, I had to not exercise as I tried to recover from my rash and other pains. I started back earlier in the week, but not pushing myself as hard, and making sure to incorporate more stretching. So I am hopeful if I ease into this more reasonably I can up my pace and intensity in short order.

No further updates, but my other goals are still on my mind constantly, so hopefully in the next month I can start making those more of a reality.

Tags: Exercising, Star Wars Vintage

I guess I have something to celebrate for 2012, I have finally gotten to the point where I can record stereo through my mixer. That is a big thing for me as I have been battling this since summer when I got the mixer. I have to admit this really got me down, probably more down then I was expecting. I think for most of the fall, I was in a real funk about this. Working in computers, I somewhat pride myself in being able to figure out a lot of things, but this mixer had me. I guess another part of my frustration was that I could not just easily buy another mixer, as I don’t have as much available cash as I did a few years ago, thanks to my company not recognizing that the cost of living has increased (That is a complaint for another time).

It came down to I had the wrong driver selected in the recording program, and that I am limited to using this Mixer with a recording program that supports an ASIO driver. I am sort of up in the air about what I am going to do with the mixer. I don’t really like using the Cubase software that has come with the mixer, it is much more then I really need, as there is so many settings to configure. I might play around with it a bit over the next few months, record a few podcasts, and see how I feel. I sent the tech support a question as well if there is some other recording programs that would work with this mixer that I could try. I might just sell it as well , and use the money towards a different, less advanced mixer.

At least this is off my mind now, and I am grateful for that.  It has been a bit of a journey of frustration and doubt. So I am hoping now I can get my collecting podcast back on track, even if I have to use software I would not normally use. Hopefully this is the start of some good things coming for 2012.

Tags: Mixer