I have not really slept well for the past few days, so some of my thoughts may partly be because I have not really had a real solid sleep. Laying on the couch this morning, my mind was thinking about all the things in my life that I haven’t been able to put as much of myself into as I would like. Recently I have been focused on a Sharepoint migration at work, and it has chewed up a lot of my time on the weekends, but it really just goes deeper then one project or application. Last week, I had to take some time off to balance out my work week, since policy changes at where I work will only compensate us for 40 hours. You can work more then 40 hours, and I am sure the company would like that very much, but you will not get any additional pay, or the ability to bank the hours for use later. Even though I was off, I still felt burdened, I was thinking, what were others thinking of me for being away, well there was still so much to do, I was thinking about the long hours this weekend is bringing, and just thinking about how tired I felt. My job weighs so heavy on my mind, and I am frustrated that it does, as it shouldn’t.
I was thinking about all the things in my life that I haven’t been able to put more into, and made me feel sad.
My Family: Last night I went over to my parents for my nephews 6th birthday, I had been working all day, and I was not able to wrap his present properly. I felt bad for that, as he deserved better then that. I knew he would just rip it off quickly, but it was something small that I wasn’t even able to do. Also my mind was not really there, as I was lost in thought about the problems of the day, and what we will be doing today. I think of all the times over the past few years, when I was not there for my family, because at times I placed work ahead of my family. It was not something that I wanted to do, but I did in the end, and I truly regret that.
My Marriage: I am not as attentive to my Wife as I should be. We seldom go out, and many times even when I am not working, I am tired or I have work weighing on my mind. There have been times over the past few years, where she has gotten the short end of the stick, as again, I have placed the wants of my job ahead of her. A few years ago, we went on a weekend trip to Banff. Shortly before we left, I was informed that I needed to execute a change. So We had to rush back early from the trip so that I could do the work. She never truly got to enjoy that weekend in the mountains as we were there, and then we were gone. This summer, her mother came to visit, which was a busy time since we also moved. They went on a few trips, but I was never able to accompany them, as I was working. The one trip I did take them on to Jasper, was a one day trip, again, in and out, no real time to check things out. I recall we did see some great things, like some awesome waterfalls and watching some people cliff diving, but all to short and brief as needed to get back.
My Friends: I have some great friends, both local and non local, but I never spend as much time as I would like with them. A few weeks ago I spent some time with my good friend Dave. I had not seen him in awhile, and I called him up as I needed some help with picking up some building supplies, and then the following day for help when my TV broke. He was there to help me out, and the time I got to spend with him I really enjoyed. My other friends as well I have not spent much time, the two Jason’s I have not seen very much of, it has been a long time since I met up with my friend Donald. My friend Jason from Calgary is always asking for people to come down and visit, and I have not done that in so long, as usually every weekend I have committed myself to some sort of work. My friend Jason who is local, as mentioned going out for something to eat, and I have missed the last few times since always seems to be something with work.
I also have a great group of friends online, and I have seen all the great fun things they have done. But over the past few years, all I really have done is stand on the sidelines and watched, never contributing anything to the endeavors that they are doing. Some of what they have done, were things I was very interested in, but due to the time I was putting into my job, I have never participated in them. I look back, and that was a wrong choice, even if I did not have a lot of time, I should have contributed, as I think it would have been very good for me. I am grateful for my friend Rick, who I email regularly, we had a great chat on Friday, and I wish we would do those more, as we talk about a lot of fun and interesting things. I also exchanged some emails earlier in the week with my friend Dan, and talked about some shared interests we have. It is just so awesome to talk with people who have the same interests as you, as it makes you appreciate it more. I need to spend more time in my online communties.
Hobbies: I have not put much into my hobbies and the things that I really have passion for. This blog is an example, as it has been sometime since I have posted. I need to do that more. I had some great ideas for it, and I have never really allowed them to take off. My Podcasts as well, I have neglected them as well mainly due to work. My main Podcast that I do with my friend Jason, Champodcast, it feels at time I am just putting the minimum into it. The website for it has not changed since we launched, the forums I should be posting more, and more time spent on promoting it. But lately I have just been maintaining instead of building. My other podcast What’s in Jeff’s Basement, I have done nothing in the past year. I promise myself that when I get my basement done, more time will go to it, and I need to keep to that promise. Jason and I are also talking about launching a site for our group of Podcast we are working on, I was thinking about it the other day, but haven’t done anything more on it, I need to get on that.
My collecting has taken a bit of a back seat over the past few months as well. I have picked up a few things, but for the most part, I have really not done much. That is not a bad thing, as that is spending money, but I should probably try and follow it more closely, as even if I am not buying anything, I am still interested in what is released. This upcoming weekend is the annual Edmonton Toy and Collectible show. I have a table again this year, and will be selling a few items. I always enjoy that, mainly for meeting up with fellow collecting friends and talking about the hobby. The scary thing, is that I am considering missing it over work, if I do that, I will regret it. The issues we are working on now seem to be pointing to the toy show weekend for that work to happen. I have to find it in myself to say no to work, and place this Toy Show ahead of what ever demands are there. I think from a general mental health stand point, if I miss this show and doing something I really enjoy, it is going to stick with me for a long time and fester.
Around the House: Last summer I moved into a house. There have been renovation that I have done, but they have taken painfully long to do. My basement is near completion, but for the amount of work, they probably should have been done much sooner. There is still other things to be done, but it seems like I am always putting them off as I am either working or tired from it. Once Spring comes, I also need to get out in the yard and make sure I manage it before it becomes to much, with that, you cannot wait to long.
From the start of this Blog to the end of it, I have found I feel much better. Just writing down some of my feelings and frustrations with where I am right now had been somewhat cathartic. I was not really intending that when I started this, but at least it has helped in that I feel in a better mood to take on what I have today, and to realize that a lot starts with me. Work seems to be the main reason for my troubles, and I have struggled with it in the past. It usually gets over me and pounds me down, probably because I let it. I guess all one can do is the best they can, and let that speak for itself. Some of the things I worry about, are just not my responsibility. The project I am working on, if it doesn’t get completed on time, that is some one else to deal with. If I look at it simply, if it is not my responsibility, then I should not put any of my energy, effort or worry into it. For work, things work out the way they work out, for my life, what I truly care about, that is where my attention should be.
Tags: Champodcast, Dave, Jason, Jason L, Rick Moyer, Sharepoint, Tao tao, What's in Jeffs Basement, work